What Partner To Choose In A Relationship?

Generally speaking, compromise is good in a relationship.  One person wants kids now, the other later down the road. You both compromise and meet in between. Compromise is healthy and is a necessity to have a happy successful relationship.

What I'm talking about in this post is compromising the partner you choose to be with.

In the perfect world we would all have on our arms the epitome of what we think is attractive. Our man/woman would be gorgeous, how ever that looks to you, with brains personality, morals, the total package.

In the real world it just doesn't work like that.  Like that old song goes...some guys (girls) have all the luck. There are a few lucky souls out here who's partner is the total package, at least to others but for most of us that's just not the case.

What I have been noticing for a while now is opposites being in relationships. You ever see a beautiful woman walking down the street on the arm of an average or less then average looking man? Vice versa.

You wonder to your self, how did he/she get a good looking person like that? The first thing I used to think was money.

Oh he/she must be rich. That's why they are with them. In some cases this is the case, but I'm finding a lot more of the time it's not.

I did a survey with a number of men and woman to see if I could get some clarity on the subject. This is what I discovered.

A lot of attractive women who were with average or less then average looking guys were with them not because of the money (even though it helps if they were financially secure)  but because of how well the men treated the woman.

These women were in a sense like trophy's to these men. They couldn't believe they were with a woman so beautiful that they did everything they could to keep her happy and treat her very well. 

These women were so happy to finally be treated like they believe they should that they were ok with compromising on what in their mind they wanted their ideal man to look like.

As far as men goes it was generally the same answer. Body wise it was said it is a lot easier to deal with a less then average looking individual if they had a nice body.

A man will tend to deal with an unattractive woman if her body is banging so to speak. Same with women, but speaking as in a long term serious relationship it has to be more then a nice body to make a man/woman settle down with someone who they feel is average or less then average in the looks department.

A woman dates a man who is average in looks. Nothing to write home about, but treats her like a queen. He is polite, faithful, puts her first before himself. The same woman meets Mr GQ. This guy looks like he hopped off the cover of
 a magazine. Handsome, charming with a body like a Greek god.

Every time you go out ladies heads turn so quick, he is the center of attention and your girlfriends envy you to the point of green eyed jealousy.

He's a ladies man and getting attention from women is an understatement. He is what every woman wants their man to look like.

This woman unintentionally found herself sleeping with both men. Something she is not proud of but what's done is done.

She can't help but to compare the two and Mr GQ's bedroom boom makes the other guy's look like sex for beginners.

Mr. GQ is such a charmer,  and because of the attention he receives,  he is overly confident.

A few situations she has had with GQ makes her question his ability to be in a completely monogamous relationship.

Who does she choose?

Who do you choose?

The guy/girl who you feel safe with as far as being faithful, loyal and good to you, even though they don't really do it for you in the looks department or the bedroom?

Do you choose option b the guy/girl who is a knock out in the looks dept and rocks your world behind closed doors, but possibly could be a player and cheat in the long run?

Or do you wait to find someone who might not have all of either side, but a little of both?

To some this may seem like an easy decision but I assure you when your actually in this predicament, even if the answer may be prevalent, the will to make the right decision may not be as easy.

Good advice I received.....always go for what you need, not what you want. Unless your one of those lucky guys/girls that old song talks about.

Seek God in all decisions!
God bless you all!


Tweet


                                     Subscribe to Relationship advice for dummies

Are You Wifee or Booty?

Men generally put women into two categories; wifee or booty. A wifee is a woman that a man considers to be quality. Someone he can take home to momma. Someone who has potential to be a wife to someone.

A man who considers a woman to be booty means just that. She is a piece of tail to him. Good enough to have sex with, but doesn't make the grade as far as marrying her or considering her marriage material or a quality woman. Or there may be other circumstances why the woman is just booty to him like him being in a relationship with someone else or married or vice versa.

Surprisingly a lot of men draw this conclusion on the first date! Yes the first date! If I go out with a woman on a first date I usually will know by the end of the date if she is wifee material or booty call status. After we men arrive at this conclusion we usually treat them as such depending on what category they fall in.

This being said, there are factors that come into play as you continue to see a woman that could make you change your mind about what category to put her in. Usually it goes from a potential wifee becoming a booty call. It's rarely the other way around, how ever it does happen every now and then that a booty call becomes wifee material.

Now when I say wifee let me be clear. Just because a man puts you into a wifee category doesn't mean he will wife you! Don't be mistaken. A man has to be ready to settle down and get married before he bends that knee. So most men that see a woman they are with as wifee won't end up marrying them. They will treat them better. They will try to keep them around as long as possible. If they have sense, they will put these wifee's first before any booty call or dip or other person they are dealing with. This is if they are dealing with anyone else, but you probably won't take that walk down that isle unless the man you are with is in the frame of mind that he already wants to settle down and is tired of the player or single life.

Very rarely does a man who is perfectly content with living the single life meet a girl who is so amazing he decides to throw in his player card and gives up his black book for her and actually walks down that isle.

It happens ladies don't get me wrong. It's just not the norm. The man usually has to be in the settling down frame of mind first.

I am going to compile two lists. The first list will be of things a man may consider wifee qualities, and reasons a man might put a woman in this category. The second list is of course things a man considers to be booty call qualities and reasons he might put a woman in the booty category.

DISCLAIMER: We are all individuals and God created each of us unique, so this isn't meant to be the absolute truth on what makes a woman wifee or booty. Each man might have different reasons to put a woman in one of these two categories. What I feel is a booty call characteristic another man might disagree. These are just general things based on myself and the majority of the men young and old I have encountered in my life. Remember ladies guys talk just as much as you do!


WIFEE LIST



1. Doesn't make it easy at all to sleep with her

Takes her time, makes you work for it. Numerous dates and long phone convo's etc. Or even better doesn't put out at all!


2. Doesn't dress like a stripper

A big part of a woman who doesn't put out is that she doesn't look like she does either. How you dress is a big indicator to a man of how he sees you. If you show up on your first date looking like your a working girl, he will treat you like one. He will draw the conclusion that your easy and promiscuous. He will think he can sleep with you and will try to as soon as possible. Probably the first date.

Be careful with this. I know some women personally who aren't easy but dress extra sexy because they like the attention from men. To us guys, dressing easy is being easy. There is no difference to us. Once we get the thought that your easy in our heads from the way you dress, It's very hard to convince us otherwise. If we do finally get the picture after many failed attempts to sleep with you then we are just going to think your a tease, get pissed off, and move on to the next.

I'm not saying dress like a sea hag....what ever that is...I'm just saying there is a thin line between sexy and sleazy.  Know where to draw the line. You want to be sexy and attractive to your potential partner. Just do it with class.


3. Gentle spirit

There is something to be said about an easy going personality. Quick to listen, and slow to anger.


4. Respectful

Respect is HUGE for a man. There is no greater turn off then a disrespectful woman who doesn't know how to talk to a man. Especially when she gets upset.


5. A woman who has her own

A woman with her own car, own place, own job, and taking care of herself therefore is not looking for a meal ticket from you is a def plus in the wifee department.


6. Priorities in order

What's important to you? Building a career. Stabilizing yourself and your family. Obtaining property or building a retirement fund. Or is it getting the newest shoes out or hottest car or going to the bar or club every weekend getting drunk. Who do you leave your kids with? How much time do you spend with them? Do you talk about what so and so drives and what shoes this person had on or turn your nose up because this guy has this older model of this phone etc...


7. Your faith/morals and values

This is huge to a Christian man. Maybe not so much to a worldly man. Since I am a Christian I will speak from a Christian man's view point.

Do you believe in God? Are you willing to live a Christian lifestyle, go to church, maybe join a small group, teach the gospel to your children? Do you know the biblical role of a wife? Are you willing to submit to your husband? Yes submit! The bible instructs the wife to submit to your husband in all things. This does not mean he is greater then you. You both are equal. You have a voice, and opinion, and it should be heard and considered at all times. This does not mean your husband is a dictator, and orders you around. In fact if your husband is a spiritually mature Christian, he will put you before him as you should put him before you. However him being the husband and the head of the household (after God first) He has final say over things.

A lot of women have a problem with this, or try to argue, and validate why they should not submit.

A spiritually mature Christian man knows that it will be difficult for this type of woman who thinks this way to submit to him if she in fact cannot submit to God by not abiding by his word. This makes for a difficult marriage that is possibly doomed from the start.

In the Christian man's mind, this does not put this type of woman in the wifee category.

Genesis 3:16

 

¹⁶ To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

 

Ephesians 5:22-26

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Besides submission and willingness to live a Christian lifestyle, God is love. What is your heart like? Are you mean spirited, vengeful, angry?  Do you believe in "an eye for an eye?" (You do this to me..ok I'll show you. I will do twice as bad to you!) Are you selfish, only looking out for you or are you selfless? Have compassion for others, for strangers? Not only concerned about you getting yours but your brothers and sisters, strangers who are suffering.

As Christians, we are called to love one another. We are supposed to be separated from the rest of the world, we are supposed to be known for the way we love one another.

Do you have the love of God in your heart? If you do, it will show in your actions, in your words, in the way you conduct yourself. Men will see this with out you saying it. 

A spiritually mature Christian woman is a woman who is convicted for her sins. A woman who is held accountable for her actions by God, and other saints who she wisely surrounds herself around to help encourage her, edify her, and keep her grounded in Christ.

I dated both Christian women, and worldly women, and I can tell you the difference is amazing! Night and day!

None of us are perfect, but when we believe in God and inspire to be more like him everyday then the difference in our lives is priceless. Hands down, Christian women make the best wives! No one is perfect. God doesn't look for perfection, he looks for progression!

This is what every woman should strive for. Anything close to this assures you to be wifee material!


Proverbs 31:10-31

The Woman Who Fears the Lord

^10] An excellent wife who can find?
    She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
    and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
    and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
    she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
    and provides food for her household
    and portions for her maidens.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She dresses herself^[e] with strength
    and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
    Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
    and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor
    and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet.^[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
    her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates
    when he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
    she delivers sashes to the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
    and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
    and let her works praise her in the gates.

BOOTY LIST

This is pretty much the opposite of the first list.


1. Easy breezy

Did you sleep with the guy on the first night or the first week, or the first month for that matter? Did your first phone conversation involve anything sexual? Do you dress like a working girl when you see him? Do you talk about or reference sex all the time?


2. Busted

Are you broke? No job, no car, live at home with your momma? Are you on welfare, multiple link cards with no intentions on getting off or finding a job?

I understand life is rough, sometimes we find ourselves in unfavorable circumstances and that's ok. The difference is are you content being there or are you trying your best to get out of those circumstances. Us men will see the difference.

3. Gold digger

Self explanatory. No man wants a gold digger rather he is rich or poor. We want a woman to want us for us, not for a meal ticket or because we drive a fancy car or have a nice house, or material things. Don't get me wrong some men use materialistic things to get women. These men generally don't care because as the women are using them for their money, the men are using them for their looks, sex, trophy pieces to display on their arms, and show off to the fellas.

Also there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a man who has his stuff together i.e career, house, car. A man is called to be a provider, and be able to take care of his family so he should have his stuff together or at least working hard towards it, but it's a difference between that, and a woman who solely cares about money and what she can gain from him. 

4. ABWS (Angry Black Woman Syndrome)

DISCLAIMER: Let me explain before you sisters go off on me! lol This is a term used a lot by men. I'm using it because a lot of people will understand what I mean by this. This is that loud mouth, argumentative, head snapping, hand on hip while the other one waving in your face, gotta have the last word, disrespectful talking like I can whoop your butt attitude.

ALL women of ALL races and ethnicity's have potential to have this. Not just black women. I've met Caucasians, Asians, Middle Eastern women with ABWS. Also not ALL black women have this. I have met some of the most sweet spirited, humble, soft spoken black women.

There is only one man in a relationship. That man has the role of a man, and the women has the role of the women. No man wants to date a woman who acts like a man or is argumentative, and yells and screams and catches attitudes all the time. This is hell to us!

If your like this and a man is putting up with it, it's probably because you are sleeping together and he wants that to continue. Or maybe he does love you and he is tolerating it for the meantime. This won't last, and there probably won't be any wedding bells in your future. If there are it will probably be a short marriage unless you change, and or an abusive one!


5. Selfishness

Proverbs 18:22

²² He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

 

 

To find a wife is a good thing according to our Lords word. So when a man is getting to know a woman it is his job to court her. This meaning be on his best behavior, impress her, woo her. Not to be phony but be your best self.

 

This includes dates, flowers, candy, opening doors. cards, poems, gifts, frequent calls and or text messages letting them know your thinking of them etc. You get the point. Women if you accept his advances and he finds favor in your eyes and you decide to be in a relationship with him, it is now your time to reciprocate his efforts with your own efforts to show your appreciation and your affection for him.

 

Guys, this does not mean stop what you have been doing all along. This should continue through out your whole relationship. That's why I say be true to yourself when courting a woman because what ever your doing to impress her, it will be expected to be kept up so don't do super extravagant things all the time if you can't keep it up after the "honey moon stage" so to speak.

 

Women here is where the "you before me" comes in. Now generally speaking "you before me" refers to how a husband and wife conduct themselves with each other, but It doesn't hurt to practice this before hand. It is now your job to show your man that you are a good woman, and are worthy of his efforts. Be good to him, do sweet things for him show him your appreciation. Don't be selfish.

 

A woman who just expects everything from a man and doesn't give back makes her man feel unappreciated. Us men need to feel valued and appreciated by women. Don't be selfish and just expect, expect, expect from us with you giving nothing in return. We will find someone else who shows that they appreciate us. Also say THANK YOU when we do nice things for you. That promotes continued behavior!

 

 

6. Disrespect

 

Do you scream at your man when your angry? Curse at him, call him out of his name, hit him, destroy his personal property? Humiliate him in public or in front of friends, family, or strangers? Disregard his wishes, pleas, or request. Undermine his authority when it comes to disciplining kids or anything else? No faith in him, doubtful of his success, crush his dreams, don't support or believe in the success of his ambitions? 

 

This is blatant disrespect, and almost sure to keep you out of the wifee category!

 

 

 

Again this is not cut in stone reasons why a woman is put into one category or another. Merely a guide to give an estimate of where you stand, and insight on how men view certain characteristics of women.

 

I hope this has helped you in anyway. God bless you all!

 

 

                                       Subscribe to Relationship advice for dummies

When to give up on a relationship

They say that mistakes are just life lessons to be learned. If this is true I learned one of the most important lessons of my life dealing with relationships about 13 years ago.

I wish my mom would have told me this when I was young. My dad wasn't around so he wasn't much help. This lesson I had to learn the hard way.

The good news is I'm willing to share it with you in hopes you won't go through what I went through. Some of you already have, and have had to learn the hard way like me. It makes us stronger and wiser.

What's this significant life lesson you ask?


SOMETIMES LOVE ISN'T ENOUGH!


About 13 years ago,  give or take I was a young man in the prime of my life (or so I thought). I fancied myself a ladies man as I did well with the opposite sex. I was greedy and promiscuous. I loved being with multiple women, and my narcissistic personality was in full swing.

I ended up meeting one particular young lady who stood out from the rest. We had an animalistic type attraction to each other and began having sex right away. As many know, sex clouds judgment. We lusted each other. I was obsessed with her body and good looks as she was mine. Oh did I forget to mention the sex?

For the first few weeks I ignored the fact that we argued and fought all the time! When I say all the time I mean ALL the time. In fact our very first conversation on the phone we got into it. Every single day after that we had an argument of some sort every day for 3 yrs off  and on.

Our lust turned into love. Well mine did I can't speak for her although I truly believe she loved me.
The one thing I couldn't understand is why we couldn't get along with each other if we loved each other so much. The only time it seems we weren't arguing is when we had sex!

We were both too much alike. We shared the same sign although I don't study astrology. We both were stubborn, hard headed, and cocky! She brought baggage from a previous relationship which left her bitter and angry. I brought baggage from my destructive lifestyle and life experiences with women.

It got to the point where I would drive an hour to see her only to turn back around and go home after getting into an argument the first 5 minutes after walking into her apartment. We argued about any and everything. There was no trust, we both were jealous, but neither wanted to let the other go.

We had numerous conversations about our situation and both agreed numerous times to try to change and do better. It may have lasted a day.

It got to the point that one day of many days of many arguments it just clicked in my head. LOVE ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP SUCCESSFUL!

Yes we cared about each other and didn't want to let the other person go but it wasn't working, and for a long time it hasn't been. The moments when we were happy were few and far in between.

Who wants to stay with someone because you love them yet are miserable with them? So I finally got enough courage together to walk away and never look back.

It took me two years to grieve that relationship before I truly got over her, and that was when I met another special someone who mended my broken heart. That however is another story. That was over a decade ago so I've had plenty of time to analyze the situation.

How can two people who say they love each other not be happy together, not be able to make their relationship work? If you love each other you do what it takes right? WRONG!

Here is what I learned about my situation.


1. God was not present in our relationship


Yes God is everywhere and of course he was there but we didn't bring him into our relationship. We both believed in God, but neither were living for God at that time. Neither of us prayed faithfully for our relationship or prayed as a couple which is very important!

I cannot stress enough the power of prayer. If God can create the heavens and the earth by speaking, if he can part the red sea, if he can move mountains, then he can definitely change hearts, break bondage's, and negative patterns of behavior. Mend bruised hearts, and emotional scarring.


2. Poor communication


We communicated all the time. Our communication was yelling and screaming at each other. Both of us telling the other why they are wrong. Neither of us owning up to our faults or listening to what the other had to say. If the other had a valid complaint or argument the other would react defensively instead of listening to what was being said.

Example: If one partner told the other that the other hurt their feelings because of  x y z, the other partner would only hear the x y z part and defend themselves as to why the x y z was valid. The true point of the matter however is that the persons feeling were hurt. That part is truth, so no matter if you think the REASON the persons feelings were hurt are valid or not, you still need to recognize the persons feelings were hurt by you and apologize for hurting them, even if it wasn't your intention. Then the other person will be more open to communicate about the x y z part and why you didn't think it was wrong or why you did or said x y z.

This now becomes a working conversation to learn and grow, and not a shout match where nothing gets accomplished.



3. We weren't each others best friend


With communication also comes friendship on the deepest level. A great relationship is when you can call you partner not only your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend, but you can call them your best friend.

Think about your best friend of the same sex, if you have one. Why are you best friends? If my partner was to have a conversation with my best friend, and my best friend were to tell everything there is to know about me (with my permission of course :) my best friend would describe me with such detail, as if describing themselves.

They would know my favorite color, my goals, my fears, my strengths, my weaknesses. What would make me happy, what would make me sad, what buttons would make me angry. The expressions I make when I'm getting upset, or when I'm embarrassed. How I would react to certain situations. What I would say in certain circumstances before I say it etc.

Why would my best friend know so much about me? Because we are BEST FRIENDS duh! lol but seriously, it's because we tell each other everything. We aren't afraid to share our inner most thoughts or most embarrassing moments with no fear of being judged. (if we have a REAL best friend). Our best friends don't judge us, they don't have ill will towards us. They wish us the best in life and they give the best advice they can or at least what they think is the best advice.

You trust your best friend and communicate everything to them or just about everything. This type of friendship didn't happen over night, it takes time. Your partner should be your best friend. If they are not then that is a goal you should be working towards.

Being each others best friend means you have to open up, let down guards and be vulnerable to each other. This is not an easy task I will be the first to tell you! Being completely vulnerable to someone is essential if you want to have the best friendship with each other which in turn makes the best relationships. To do that you have to have what we didn't have.


4. No trust in our relationship


You have to have trust, and we had none! How can you be vulnerable to someone with your deepest feelings and insecurities. How can you open up that treasure chest of skeletons in your closet if you don't trust someone. Especially if you have been vulnerable to someone in the past and they used it against you?

It's hard and it will take time prayer and effort on both parts. So how do we build trust?  I will save that for another post as I see I'm starting to get a little side tracked!

So to get back on task we will revisit the title of this post.


When to give up on a relationship


There are numerous reasons and I can't cover them all so I will give you a few, starting with the most obvious.

1. Physical Abuse

If your getting beaten in your relationship let me start of by saying I'm so sorry for you and I apologize as a man on his behalf. If your a man being abused then I say to you man up! Be a man don't beat her back but don't allow yourself to be beaten. God created us strong as protectors and leaders. This isn't what you were called for. It both cases LEAVE!

If your married separate, and or divorce if he doesn't get help. Regardless of if you have kids by him. Your children need you alive and well. If your not married then it's easier. Get gone real fast. Love doesn't use the apple of it's eye as a punching bag!

If you have kids I'm sorry and good moms still want the abuser to have a relationship with there kids and that is very commendable but your safety and well being comes first. Once the abuser gets help then that can be a consideration.

If you are afraid, and need help getting safe, here is the number for the national hot line for domestic abuse 1-800-799-SAFE

They can help you get safe. All calls are confidential. They are available 24/7!


2. Emotional Abuse


Emotional abuse hurts just as bad as physical abuse, and the scars last much longer. Bruises can heal in a week, but it could take years to repair the damage from an emotionally  abusive relationship.

Hurt and damaged men/women take their pain out on their partners. Transferring their pain to others. I've seen men take a gorgeous woman and when they are done with her make her feel like the ugliest worthless thing there is. Or feel that they don't deserve better or anything good. All lies from the pit of hell!

If your in an emotionally abusive relationship get out! These kinds of relationships are toxic to your soul and damaging to your spirit. Remember God can restore all things! You are the daughter/son of the father. You are to be the head not the tail!!


3. Infidelity


If your partner cheats on you LEAVE! Especially if it's early in the relationship. He is showing you the type of person he is and how much he values the sacredness of your relationship.

Yes people make mistakes and they can change but do you want to sit around and wait and see if it happens again while you waste precious time and your feelings grow stronger for someone who has already disrespected your relationship and broken your trust? Especially if it's early on!

If your married with or with out children I know this is harder to do however let's see what God has to say about this situation.

Matthew 5:31-32

English Standard Version (ESV)

Divorce

³¹ “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ ³² But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

This means the only excusable reason God gives to leave your wife/husband is for sexual immorality. So if he/she cheats, in God's eyes it's ok to divorce them. That's not saying you have to divorce. There are couples who stuck it through and made it work. This is your choice, but you do have grounds to leave if he/she cheats.

I also must speak out against physical abuse, although not in the bible I don't think the almighty God would want someone who is being beaten to stay in that situation if it can't be worked out and the husband doesn't change. My pastor James McDonald also shares this view point.



4. There is no "you before me"


I've learned through Christian counseling the term "you before me". It means a person puts their partner's needs before theirs and the partner does the same for them. This way they are both looking out for the other person before themselves therefore making sure each others needs are all taken care of.

It's a very selfless way to love someone. It's generally geared toward married couples however this concept can be applied in relationships as well.

If your in a relationship where your always the one giving yourself, trying to make things work, putting in effort to make the other one happy and there is nothing in return, in fact the only work the other person puts in is lip service, working their mouth but no real action, then you need to have a serious discussion about your future. If this doesn't work then ... how does that old song go..."hit the road jack and don't you come back no mo no mo no mo no mo" LBVS



5. You can't agree on important life changing goals


This is also very important. If there are very important plans and goals you have for your future, which are life changing, and your partner does not agree or you both can't come to a healthy compromise then you are probably wasting your time with them. Time is the thing that we never have enough of. It is always ticking away every second every minute, even as we sleep. Why waste precious time with someone who doesn't agree with or share the same very important life goals you have.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you can change their mind, or that in time they will have a change of heart. This may be true but usually not the norm. Do you really want to play craps with your valuable time, and life?

Here are a few of those important life changing goals that might have the need to be agreed upon or compromised well between the two of you.


1. Children (Do you want kids? How many? When? How should we raise them?)

2. Career (Do you have a career or want one? What would it take? Schooling? Do you want more out
    of life? Are you content struggling or where you are now?)

3. Location (where do you want to spend the rest of your life? Do you want to relocate? Where?)

4. Religious beliefs ( Do you believe in God? Are you a Christian? Do you want to live and practice
    Christianity or some other religion. Do you worship satan?

5. Marriage (Do you want to get married? When? What do you expect from a husband/wife
    What type of wedding? Where? Can my mom come?)


There is no black and white rules to follow when it comes to the affairs of the heart. This is simply a guide to help you recognize when your in the trouble zone in a relationship, and where you should take deep thought and consideration as to the current state and the future of your relationship.

I hope this blesses you richly, and helps you in some sort of way. May God bless you always!


Tweet


                                     Subscribe to Relationship advice for dummies

CASUAL SEX

I read an article a few years back on the damage casual sex causes to the human brain. Interesting enough the article was given to me by my mother! I guess she was trying to tell me something lol!
What's not so funny is the article seemed to be dead on, and made a lot of sense. Some issues I had with bonding with women were explained.

There is no such thing as harmless casual sex amongst willing participants as the article explains. The article I read was called "The Emotional Corrosion of Casual Sex" from the February 2011 issue of the  magazine "The Trumpet." Written by Dennis Leap.

I'm including the contents of this article in this post, also including the link to the article online so you can read from the source if you like. I hope it is knowledgeable to you and helps you in some way. Enjoy and God bless!


THE EMOTIONAL CORROSION OF CASUAL SEX

Recently I had the opportunity to work with a group of people from starkly different backgrounds. Most of our conversations were simply small talk. Yet one woman was surprisingly open about her life. Without prodding, she often articulately explained her philosophy on sex and relationships. Having been married and divorced multiple times, she now welcomed “no strings attached” sexual encounters. She thrilled at the hunt and the conquest. However, studying her over a period of time I noticed that she was often depressed.

One day she came to me and asked, “Why does casual sex hurt people?” This painfully honest question deserves a truthful answer.

Casual sex is sex for physical pleasure only, without emotional connection, no strings attached. Often it’s a one-time occurrence. It includes any kind of sex act with anyone, heterosexual or homosexual. In its rawest form it involves total strangers—no names, no history, no tomorrow. It coldly seeks to suppress the development of any type of relationship.

Casual sex has been glamorized in movies and on television. Casual sex membership websites, often accompanied with pornographic material, make it easy for partners to hook up. Many authors praise its advantages. They assure us of the thrilling excitement of the casual sex lifestyle. Its joys are made to appear unquestionable.  The philosophy underlying all this hype is that marriage is out; casual sex is harmless fun; everyone is doing it; you are missing out—just do it! This is a seriously flawed philosophy. Risks are minimized. The threat of possible lifelong damage is ignored.

Let’s face the problem squarely. The misuse of sex brings incredible personal sorrow. Monogamous, marital sex is the only source of true fun.  Casual sex is extremely risky and harmful to all involved. Yet, without question, casual sex experimentation is most destructive to our youth.

All parents must come to grips with this problem. Why? Young adults and the youngest of teens are the most likely to be taken in by such thinking. The current adult generation has yet to deal with the problem of and the problems caused by promiscuous sex. Our sex-crazed society willfully overlooks the bad fruits of its actions. Contraceptives—including condoms—are not the solution. The harm done goes much deeper than an unwanted pregnancy or being struck by a health-threatening sexual disease.  New brain research proves that there is no such thing as safe sex outside of marriage. How science has come to this conclusion is amazingly interesting.  


The Brain and Sex

Neuroscience research has uncovered useful information about how sex affects the human brain. Using MRI techniques, scientists have gained a clear picture of what takes place within the brain during sexual activity. Although it is not new knowledge, science confirms that the use of sex can either give us wholeness—or damage us, possibly for a lifetime. These scientific facts add support to necessary sex instruction that must be provided to protect our teens and young adults.

Joe McIlhaney and Freda Bush, both ob-gyns, have taken the current neuroscience research and translated it into a plain-speaking, easy-to-understand book titled Hooked. Dr. McIlhaney also founded the Medical Institute for Sexual Health in order to tackle the global epidemics of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STI).

These two medical professionals have much experience in working with teens and young adults. They have seen the incredible damage done to our youth as a result of the improper use of sex.  In Hooked, the duo confront the emotional and psychological damage casual sex does to young, developing brains. 
”With the aid of modern research techniques and technologies, scientists are confirming that sex is more than a momentary physical act,” they write. “It produces powerful, even lifelong changes in our brains that direct and influence our future to a surprising degree.” In other words, the use of sex can either keep the human brain healthy or severely damage it.


Emotional Bonding

The brain has been described as the largest human sex organ. Neuroscience confirms this fact. Sex triggers a magnificent biochemical process within the human brain. Three different chemicals flood the brain from initiation to completion of the sexual act: dopamine and oxytocin in women, and dopamine and vasopressin in men. Each chemical is designed to fulfill a specific purpose.

Dopamine is known as a feel-good chemical rewarding us when we accomplish something thrilling or exhilarating. Runners often experience dopamine highs during exercise. Dopamine has an addictive property that causes us to want to repeat whatever we have accomplished.

Oxytocin is present in both males and females, but it has a far more important role in the life of a woman. Science has known for some time that oxytocin is present when a mother nurses her baby. It aids and accelerates the human bonding process between the mother and child. During sex, the release of oxytocin in the female brain helps a woman bond with her mate.

Vasopressin serves a similar function in males. Besides helping a man to bond with his children, during sex it aids bonding with his mate.

How does all of this relate to casual sex? McIlhaney and Bush connect the dots. They emphasize that parents need to understand the role these hormones play in sexual experience.  Concerning dopamine and young people having casual sex, they write: “It seems that the dopamine reward signal is working very well in these young people. Once they experience sex, they want to repeat it again and again. We have discussed elsewhere how sex is similar to drug, alcohol, or nicotine addiction; it is understandable that a young (or older) person would want to experience that same rush again” (ibid.). The dopamine reward process in the brain is values-neutral: It cannot distinguish between positive or negative behavior. If an individual gets a thrill out of risky sex, the dopamine reward will encourage the repetition of the risky behavior.  


Loss of Connectedness

The dopamine reward for sex is intensely powerful. Thus, a sexually active couple upon breakup will often move quickly to sexual intercourse with a new person. In a culture that encourages casual sex, many people are moving quickly from partner to partner. Sexual addiction is often the result. The tabloids are full of accounts of the broken lives of people suffering from this addiction. Certainly this is a terrible problem that is extremely difficult to overcome. Yet those who move from partner to partner suffer even greater damage.

The bonding biochemicals oxytocin and vasopressin are just as powerful as dopamine. Neuroscience shows that these hormones are released with intimate physical contact such as hugging or kissing. McIlhaney and Bush explain: “When two people join physically, powerful neurohormones are released because of the sexual experience, making an impression on the synapses in their brains and hard wiring their bond. When they stay together for life their bonding matures. This is a major factor that keeps them together, providing a desire for intercourse, resulting in offspring, and assuring those offspring of a nurturing two-parent home in which to grow” (ibid.).

Although not new knowledge, science confirms the immeasurable value of monogamous sex within marriage.  Science also affirms a destructive downside to casual sex. The doctors explain: “Every time a person has sexual intercourse or intimate physical contact, bonding takes place. Whenever breakups occur in bonded relationships there is confusion and often pain in the brains of the young people involved because the bond has been broken.” The problem described here also has much deeper and long-lasting effect. The authors report: “Further, there is evidence that when this sex/bonding/breaking-up cycle is repeated a few or many times—even when the bonding was short-lived—damage is done to the important, built-in ability to develop significant and meaningful connection to other human beings.”  Living a casual sex lifestyle spawns a loss of human connectedness.

The truth is, we all need human attachment to survive and thrive. Right use of sex promotes personal wholeness and builds stable family life. Casual sex, by contrast, impairs an individual’s ability to form lifelong relationships. McIlhaney and Bush warn that in fact, the emotional corrosion caused by casual sex makes people less than human: “It may sound blunt, but if we try to eliminate this connectedness from sex, we remove the uniquely human aspect of it, and the sexual act becomes nothing more than raw animal behavior.” It is time well spent to think deeply about that quote.  


Abstinence Until Marriage

Let’s be honest. Science is uncovering what God knew thousands of years ago. God placed within the pages of the Bible vital instruction on the proper uses of sex. Just after the creation of Eve and while at the first marriage ceremony, God taught our first parents to “be one flesh.” The newly created couple were to use sex to bind them together for life. They were also instructed to multiply—build a family that would rule and beautify the Earth (Genesis 2:24). There was no shame to sex within this God-ordained boundary (verse 25).

The Bible also warns of the penalties that accompany the abuse of it. Study Romans 1:26-28, 1 Corinthians 6:9, and 2 Peter 2:6.  We shouldn’t need science to tell us what God has already told us. Unfortunately, we have ignored God. It is likely that humans will also ignore the evidence of science.
Human sexuality was designed by a great Creator God to bestow lifelong benefits to mankind. To reap those benefits, sex must remain within the bounds of marriage. Abstinence until marriage is the only workable safe-sex practice. It is interesting to note that a survey taken among teens revealed that 93 percent of the teens questioned believe that teens need to be given a strong abstinence message from parents and other adults.  Herbert W. Armstrong wrote this in his book The Missing Dimension in Sex: “God designed sex to produce pure, righteous, clean, holy and rich blessings! He made it to be the loving bond which not only would inspire a properly mated couple to marry but which would preserve that marriage in love. Sex should be the energizing magnet to draw constantly closer and closer together with increasing love a husband and wife ….”

This wonderful, factual book is available to you at no charge upon request. Mr. Armstrong used the Bible and science to provide the missing dimension so prevalent in sex knowledge today. In the hands of loving parents, this book is the best tool to instruct our youth on how to avoid the damage caused by casual sex.

SOURCE


Tweet


                                     Subscribe to Relationship advice for dummies

10 Things Sure To Turn Men On!!

There are many things that turn men on. It would take some time to name them all if that was even possible. We are all unique beings therefore are turned on by different things. I'm compiling a list of 10 things I believe are common turn on's to men in no specific order. Let's have a look shall we.


1. A WOMAN WHO DRESSES WELL


It's amazing the difference is between a woman who puts effort into what she wears and a woman who doesn't put much thought into it at all, or always dresses down.

Of course you don't want to look like your strolling down the red carpet if  your just running to the store for a quick item, but wearing pj bottoms and some flip flops vs. a pair of jeans and a t-shirt make a significant difference.

Moral of the story, put effort in what you wear. It could mean the difference between getting that guy you want to finally notice you or to be ignored once again. Wear what works for you. Different clothes compliment different body types. Rather you are small medium or large, certain clothing compliments your shape the best. Learn what they are and use them well.

This also goes to those women in the "comfort zone." The comfort zone is when a woman gets her man, whether in a relationship or gets married and they feel they "got him." Women tend to get comfortable. The clothing women wear to attract a mate they should continue to wear to keep him focused on them. Your man/husband goes from seeing you at your best most of the time and dressed down some of the time to seeing you dressed down most of the time and only at your best on date night. Don't make this mistake. Keep it sassy keep it sexy, keep him focused!


2. A BEAUTIFUL PERSONALITY/HUMBLE SPIRIT


I can't stress this enough. There is nothing like a woman with a humble spirit and pleasant personality. Like a beautiful woman who acts like she doesn't know it. Or maybe a not so beautiful woman with a lot of personality and character who is pleasant to be around and easy to talk to. A man might not necessarily be all that physically attracted to you, but if you have a wonderful personality he might be open to the possibility. I am witness to this first hand!


3. A WOMAN WHO'S GOT HER OWN


There is nothing like a woman who is doing it for herself. Career, own car own place own money. Definitely a turn on. There are women that still live at home and depending on age this is acceptable. Also certain cultures like Hispanics. In a Hispanic household it's not unusual for the woman to live with her parents until she marries. It's also understood times are hard now a days and sometimes we fall down on our luck, but be proactive if that's your case. Show fruits of effort in bettering yourself.

The point is us men don't want to feel like we're some one's meal ticket. We want to feel wanted for us not what we can offer financially. Although I must say me being a Christian I believe once MARRIED,  it's a husbands job to provide for his wife and his family. Notice I said married not in a relationship. It is not the man's job to financially support his girlfriend. Paying for dates and such yes of course but not paying bills.


4. CONFIDENCE



Pretty self explanatory. Confidence exudes off a woman like an expensive fragrance! It's so attractive, and it makes men want you.

Not to be confused with cockiness it's evil cousin!




5. ELEGANT GAIT


Ever hear that song "I love the way she walks I love the way she talks" I forget the name or who it's by. A woman with a mean walk is so sexy. Some ladies might not be aware we pay attention to this but we do! A woman who struts across a room with a sexy swagger in her walk and a swing in those hips is a big turn on!

Have you paid attention to your walk?


6. MANI'S AND PEDI'S


Sexy hands and feet are definitely a turn on! I love a woman who keeps her nails and feet looking pretty. To see a well manicured hand on your arm or sexy pedicured toes poking out an open toed heel or pair of sandals is sure to raise the temperature a few notches.

I know more then a few men who won't even date a woman if she has hammer time in her shoes or gorilla hands, booty diggers, you get the point.


7. LEGS


If you got them, show them! Keep them shaved, keep them moisturized and show them often. One of the top favorite parts on a woman's body!





8. Booty


Do I really need to explain? Didn't think so but I'll give a little tip for those who have clip boards (flat butts)

While some men are extremist meaning they like extremely big butts, most men are satisfied with a shapely rump that is noticeable in tight clothing or no clothing. Pretty much a woman who's backside pokes out enough to see a nice curve protrude from her back when viewing from her profile. If your lacking a little meat back there you can build up a respectable rump through specific exercises.

There are hundreds of videos on building a nice butt on YouTube. I'm going to link you to two of them I think are really good. One you can do at home and the other is for the gym.

http://youtu.be/xIvJq-ImdMQ            Home booty workout

http://youtu.be/tuTmfGpBbPQ          Gym booty workout


9. PANTIE TREASURE CHEST


This is for the married folk as I don't promote or condone pre marital sex.  For those of you who are betrothed in matrimony, here is a tip for you ladies that will help keep the spice in the bedroom.

Build up your pantie drawer to enormous proportions! Fill it with every color of the rainbow, every fit every shiny, glittery, see through, cotton, silk thing you can find. What ever your man likes. Have an abundance of undies and change them often.

I'm sure your probably like duh... I change my panties everyday as you should, but I'm talking about multiple times in one day. If it's one of those days where you have the pleasure of laying around for the day and partaking in some adult fun, change your panties after every session. You wake up and love your husband, when your finished change your panties to something new and different. After round two, change them again or put on a different outfit. It can be as simple as changing out of a bra and panties to a t-shirt and different pair of panties or different pantie and bra set. Men are visual creatures, and each change gives us new visual stimulation and a refreshed sense of desire for you. Very hot!

Oh but make sure you keep the granny panties way in the back! Only pull those bad boys out during cycle time.


10. FOREPLAY


Now I always tell fellas foreplay is the most important part of sex and I believe it is. It is key to warming the ladies up and getting you where you want to go faster. How ever this time I'm speaking to the ladies.

Now us guys are minute men. Meaning we are ready to get down to business in an instant. A lot of guys who don't know any better or just don't care or are selfish or lazy want to go straight for the main entrée without starting with the appetizer. You women are in control. DON'T LET HIM! Kiss, touch, rub, bite, pull, what ever it is that gets him going, do that and every time he tries to go for the main dish, don't let him. This will drive him crazy, and as impatient as we are, the main course will be that much more enjoyable when you finally allow him
to dig in!



Again these are only a few of many things that turn men on. I'm sure you can think of some of your own. I hope this is helpful. Some may already know these things but we all need reminders sometimes. Have fun!

God bless!

                                     Subscribe to Relationship advice for dummies